my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
