i was born a porn star she said
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
