On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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