I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
