Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
