Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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