it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drake has all the answers
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
