I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
