I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
