No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
