Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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