You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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