The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
