Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
