Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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