The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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