So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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