You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
