Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
