Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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