Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
