I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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