Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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