My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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