she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
