I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
They are going to name an STD after you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
