I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
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Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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