Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
