so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
