I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
