my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
