she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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