the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
