Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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