she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
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She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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