"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
