now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
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You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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