if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it because I queefed?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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