My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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