i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
