We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
