I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
