I'm drive I can fine osifer
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
