I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
