She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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