you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
