i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
