and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
