the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
