I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
