All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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