fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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