true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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