wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
